Her laugh is a short, surprised, cynical bark and she seems to wonder if he's joking. Then she takes a drag.
"You can't fix people. You can't fix another person. I guess that's how it can look, but I never came here thinking I'd be able to take someone and like, stitch them up or unbreak them."
Sweeney's hand lifts instinctively, defense of his words implied.
"Yer the one that brought up un-fuckin' folk. Generally speakin', I've found cunts tend ta stay cunts, no matter what ya do." Grimnir's a fucking prime example.
He shrugs and takes another drag. "Just seems like yer on the fence as ta if you actually want ta be a warden, or if ya just feel like yer obligated ta be." Again, no judgement, just observation.
"I meant more that I could untorture someone." She flicks some ash and watches it land. "He'd be fucked up still but by something else. Not something I did to him. So I guess...yeah. An obligation. If I can take back some of the worst things I ever did, it's hard to tell myself to just up and go if I ever get free."
She takes another drag, slower. "Would you stay? Will you?"
Muted surprise lifts Sweeney's brow as the line of questioning turns to him. He gives a half-shrug and taps his ash. He feels like he's constantly having this conversation with everyone he knows. They never seem to like the answer.
"Fuck if I know." It's short and succint. He knows well enough that it's insufficient. "Nothin' ta go back to," he follows, fighting to keep recent revelations at arm's length so he doesn't slip off the edge again. "An' yes, I do know I can go anywhere." He licks his lip and takes another drag.
"But fuck, I ain't aimin' ta graduate or anythin', so I'm not frettin' on it." With a knowing tip of his head, Sweeney adds, "Pretty sure I shouldn't be responsible fer un-fuckin' folk either."
She could say a thing or two about being glad he can't un-fuck her, but she only says it with a smirk.
Then she shakes her head. "I wasn't gonna say that. Who cares if we can go anywhere? I can't go home. I don't want to go to these places where they need superheroes just to keep the streets safe for people to go grocery shopping. I grew up in a shitty neighborhood, I'm already hunted down by humans, and that was bad enough but I could still go to a movie without someone burning it down around me with their laserbeam eyes. No one's world sounds like a place I want to be."
She has a place to go now, but only if Godric stays until she's graduated. Since he's not on the ship right now she's struggling to believe in that future, so she's sticking to what she does know.
He shrugs and taps his ash before pulling another drag.
"My understandin' is those are the options. Wardenin' or fuckin' off." Sweeney's not particularly keen on doing either at this point. There's just too much shit on his plate here, and nothing to eat back where he came from.
Those are the only ones she has heard of. She wracks her brain for any other example and comes up empty. "I don't blame you for not rushing to the graduation line." If Godric's door disappears, it will take her last reason for trying, too.
"Have people said you could come to their world? Or are they just selling you a cruise to some other world without saying which one?"
She laughs. "That's the thing, for them it is. They're all invincible and saving the world and winning all the time. They lose? They come here to win instead."
"Mm." The sound is joined by a shrug. People are such sacks of shit. He can't guess how many more times he's going to have to dance with that fucking topic.
"Where would I go?" She leans back on her elbows as if to seriously consider the question. But, again, nothing comes to mind. "At least at home I know who's going to try to skin me. Some other world, some alien I don't know how to read or fight... nah."
Sweeney inhales slowly as he considers, then exhales enough to be able to follow it with an immediate puff. "Yer people. Yer pack. None of them got homes ya want ta go to? Or they all stayin' fer work?"
The topic hurts. This is why she's always the one asking questions, really.
"I don't know how long they'll stay. Connor's world sounds like a real hellhole, I hope he gets out. Steve's a superhero, he'll never go anywhere but his world and there's that 'world always ending' problem. And Godric... I can go to his world. But," and she's sure there will be relief for him to know this so she keeps her tone even. "He's not here now. And he might or might not come back. So a girl's gotta look at the worst case scenario and just go with that, right?"
Realization comes and he offers a faint nod. He's not skittish about the topic, as long as it stays on her. Really, everything should be on her.
Well. Maybe not everything.
Sweeney shifts slightly, fully aware that his memories of sensations can still be perfectly effective in making sitting less comfortable. He does his best to dismiss them.
"Hurts ta be left behind, doesn't it?" The words are empathetic, not jabbing at her situation. It's a simple truth he's far too fucking aware of.
She isn't bitter when she asks, "Does it end any other way? Ever?" She's seen no evidence, anywhere, that disproves this belief. "Life's just rebuilding. A lot of rebuilding."
She understands why he's so fucking tired. She may not experience the depth of it, but she's at the point where she sees no point in building anything permanent.
The expression on his face implies the obvious answer. Of course it doesn't.
Something occurs to him, and Sweeney cocks his head to offer an alternative. "Sometimes ya go first." He taps the center of his chest with two fingers, mindful not to burn his clothing.
"Took a spear." That's all the clarification that's really required. For all the talk they've had of her life, he can't recall her mentioning how she got here in the first place. He's pretty sure she started as an inmate, so that doesn't bode well for the tale of her arrival.
"That's the thing, right? I should've gone first. It would've saved a whole lot of people." She exhales smoke through her nose. "I killed myself. After they were all dead. I graduated here, I went home. I just ended up killing myself again."
Sweeney takes a moment to absorb that. It's not that he takes issue with it, it's just something he didn't expect. If he went back, he sure as fuck wouldn't choose to die the same way. Not at the hand of fucking Moon Shadow.
His lips tighten at the thought of the things he'd have done different, and then his eyes darken as he remembers that there's nothing left to do. He struggles to yank himself back out of it before he spirals again.
"Same reason but worse. Because by the time I went home graduated I'd lost even more people I couldn't ever get back." But there was more to it. She blows smoke up toward the ceiling, slow. "I didn't want anyone else to kill me. Everyone else I lost, someone took them away. I wanted to be the one to decide. It was the only thing I've ever done that was about me and no one else."
She glances at him but it's easier to talk about this without seeing him so she looks again at the trees. "And I'm going to do it again. Once I'm done here, once Godric dies. Or if he..." Never comes back at all. "But if I graduate right, then I won't end up back here again. So I'm just going to have as much fun as I can, love as many people as I can, and when my time comes I'll be done."
He mulls her words, putting meaning in what she's given, discarding the details left unsaid. He doesn't need them, really. There's no judgement or pity about her previous choices; Sweeney believes everyone should be able to checkout on their own terms.
That said, he doesn't want to be dead. There has been a lot of shit and pain and punishment in his existence, but he can't remember a time where he wanted to actually die. Which upon reflection, is how he ended up in some of his worst situations, so maybe she has a point.
Sweeney doesn't have any sort of response to the mention of Godric's name. He just takes a slow drag.
She doesn't answer right away. Silence is such an atypical thing for her, especially with the sunny persona she so easily adopts--it's not false, just amplified. Quiet is not a common thing for her in any mood.
"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. How do you help someone if you're just treading water?"
The quiet doesn't bother Sweeney at all. He's never been one for small talk, when it comes down to it. One should define their want, balance the cost, follow the steps. It means he doesn't shy away from uncomfortable questions (when they're not pointed in his direction), but he also isn't going to prod too hard if she's not prepared to answer. Just letting her think is enough.
He does understanding trying to help someone when he's not in a place to be able to do so. It sucks balls.
"Might not be the best ta answer that one," he admits to a tip of his head. "But I do know plenty of folk don't know what the fuck they're doin'."
He shrugs and taps his ash. "Hard ta start pushin' up others if yer not standin' on anythin'." It's a simple statement, in no way unkind. "Hard ta give them things if ya don't know what you have."
Sweeney takes a drag, following the thought before continuing it out loud. All of this is a little too relatable.
"Depends on what they need, I s'ppose. Seems ya helped me well 'nough." At least from her own assessment. As soon as he starts down the path of the conversation, he's very glad he took the opportunity to shift. He can already feel the echo of her nails digging into his hips.
"Not that I'm sayin' ya can fuck someone inta graduatin'."
His words are soothing, validating in a way no one else's manage to be. People are quick to reassure her, but they do it by arguing against what she says she's feeling, as if everything she says is wrong. But for all that she loves connecting with people, she's never found it easy to talk about herself.
She slides a look at him that says quite plainly she's thinking of the way he'd rocked into her balls-deep with that wild desperation, the way his kiss had been so hard it had sparked something equally wild in her.
"I'd be willing to try," she drawls, tongue just touching her upper lip.
A chuckle catches him and he coughs it out with a roll his eyes, a dimple deep in each cheek.
"Oh, of that I have no doubt." It's cheeky but light. He's not trying to urge her that way by any means. At this point, he's confident something like that will not push him in the most positive of directions. That's not to say part of him doesn't want to yank her up and toss her down in the grass, losing himself deep in the welcoming warmth of her and scent of wildflowers.
A part that's growing more pressing even as he's trying to banish the thought away. Sweeney swallows and takes the last puff of his cigarette before flicking the embers off away from them. He grips the neck of the bottle, but doesn't lift it.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-09-29 07:54 pm (UTC)"You can't fix people. You can't fix another person. I guess that's how it can look, but I never came here thinking I'd be able to take someone and like, stitch them up or unbreak them."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-29 08:05 pm (UTC)"Yer the one that brought up un-fuckin' folk. Generally speakin', I've found cunts tend ta stay cunts, no matter what ya do." Grimnir's a fucking prime example.
He shrugs and takes another drag. "Just seems like yer on the fence as ta if you actually want ta be a warden, or if ya just feel like yer obligated ta be." Again, no judgement, just observation.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-29 08:10 pm (UTC)She takes another drag, slower. "Would you stay? Will you?"
no subject
Date: 2021-09-29 08:25 pm (UTC)"Fuck if I know." It's short and succint. He knows well enough that it's insufficient. "Nothin' ta go back to," he follows, fighting to keep recent revelations at arm's length so he doesn't slip off the edge again. "An' yes, I do know I can go anywhere." He licks his lip and takes another drag.
"But fuck, I ain't aimin' ta graduate or anythin', so I'm not frettin' on it." With a knowing tip of his head, Sweeney adds, "Pretty sure I shouldn't be responsible fer un-fuckin' folk either."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 01:58 am (UTC)Then she shakes her head. "I wasn't gonna say that. Who cares if we can go anywhere? I can't go home. I don't want to go to these places where they need superheroes just to keep the streets safe for people to go grocery shopping. I grew up in a shitty neighborhood, I'm already hunted down by humans, and that was bad enough but I could still go to a movie without someone burning it down around me with their laserbeam eyes. No one's world sounds like a place I want to be."
She has a place to go now, but only if Godric stays until she's graduated. Since he's not on the ship right now she's struggling to believe in that future, so she's sticking to what she does know.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 02:23 am (UTC)"My understandin' is those are the options. Wardenin' or fuckin' off." Sweeney's not particularly keen on doing either at this point. There's just too much shit on his plate here, and nothing to eat back where he came from.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 02:38 am (UTC)"Have people said you could come to their world? Or are they just selling you a cruise to some other world without saying which one?"
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 02:46 am (UTC)"Just 'anywhere'. He rolls his eyes. "Like ambiguity's a fuckin' sellin' point."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 02:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 02:55 am (UTC)"How 'bout you? Lookin' at any cruise ships?"
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 02:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 03:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 03:14 am (UTC)"I don't know how long they'll stay. Connor's world sounds like a real hellhole, I hope he gets out. Steve's a superhero, he'll never go anywhere but his world and there's that 'world always ending' problem. And Godric... I can go to his world. But," and she's sure there will be relief for him to know this so she keeps her tone even. "He's not here now. And he might or might not come back. So a girl's gotta look at the worst case scenario and just go with that, right?"
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 03:26 am (UTC)Realization comes and he offers a faint nod. He's not skittish about the topic, as long as it stays on her. Really, everything should be on her.
Well. Maybe not everything.
Sweeney shifts slightly, fully aware that his memories of sensations can still be perfectly effective in making sitting less comfortable. He does his best to dismiss them.
"Hurts ta be left behind, doesn't it?" The words are empathetic, not jabbing at her situation. It's a simple truth he's far too fucking aware of.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 03:29 am (UTC)She understands why he's so fucking tired. She may not experience the depth of it, but she's at the point where she sees no point in building anything permanent.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 03:37 am (UTC)Something occurs to him, and Sweeney cocks his head to offer an alternative. "Sometimes ya go first." He taps the center of his chest with two fingers, mindful not to burn his clothing.
"Took a spear." That's all the clarification that's really required. For all the talk they've had of her life, he can't recall her mentioning how she got here in the first place. He's pretty sure she started as an inmate, so that doesn't bode well for the tale of her arrival.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 03:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 04:09 am (UTC)His lips tighten at the thought of the things he'd have done different, and then his eyes darken as he remembers that there's nothing left to do. He struggles to yank himself back out of it before he spirals again.
"Same reason?"
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 01:54 pm (UTC)She glances at him but it's easier to talk about this without seeing him so she looks again at the trees. "And I'm going to do it again. Once I'm done here, once Godric dies. Or if he..." Never comes back at all. "But if I graduate right, then I won't end up back here again. So I'm just going to have as much fun as I can, love as many people as I can, and when my time comes I'll be done."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 07:08 pm (UTC)That said, he doesn't want to be dead. There has been a lot of shit and pain and punishment in his existence, but he can't remember a time where he wanted to actually die. Which upon reflection, is how he ended up in some of his worst situations, so maybe she has a point.
Sweeney doesn't have any sort of response to the mention of Godric's name. He just takes a slow drag.
"No more Warden shift fer you then?"
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 07:11 pm (UTC)"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. How do you help someone if you're just treading water?"
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 07:44 pm (UTC)He does understanding trying to help someone when he's not in a place to be able to do so. It sucks balls.
"Might not be the best ta answer that one," he admits to a tip of his head. "But I do know plenty of folk don't know what the fuck they're doin'."
He shrugs and taps his ash. "Hard ta start pushin' up others if yer not standin' on anythin'." It's a simple statement, in no way unkind. "Hard ta give them things if ya don't know what you have."
Sweeney takes a drag, following the thought before continuing it out loud. All of this is a little too relatable.
"Depends on what they need, I s'ppose. Seems ya helped me well 'nough." At least from her own assessment. As soon as he starts down the path of the conversation, he's very glad he took the opportunity to shift. He can already feel the echo of her nails digging into his hips.
"Not that I'm sayin' ya can fuck someone inta graduatin'."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 07:52 pm (UTC)She slides a look at him that says quite plainly she's thinking of the way he'd rocked into her balls-deep with that wild desperation, the way his kiss had been so hard it had sparked something equally wild in her.
"I'd be willing to try," she drawls, tongue just touching her upper lip.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:10 pm (UTC)"Oh, of that I have no doubt." It's cheeky but light. He's not trying to urge her that way by any means. At this point, he's confident something like that will not push him in the most positive of directions. That's not to say part of him doesn't want to yank her up and toss her down in the grass, losing himself deep in the welcoming warmth of her and scent of wildflowers.
A part that's growing more pressing even as he's trying to banish the thought away. Sweeney swallows and takes the last puff of his cigarette before flicking the embers off away from them. He grips the neck of the bottle, but doesn't lift it.
"Yer inmate best keep hydrated."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:13 pm (UTC)She sure as hell doesn't.
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