Sweeney takes a moment to absorb that. It's not that he takes issue with it, it's just something he didn't expect. If he went back, he sure as fuck wouldn't choose to die the same way. Not at the hand of fucking Moon Shadow.
His lips tighten at the thought of the things he'd have done different, and then his eyes darken as he remembers that there's nothing left to do. He struggles to yank himself back out of it before he spirals again.
"Same reason but worse. Because by the time I went home graduated I'd lost even more people I couldn't ever get back." But there was more to it. She blows smoke up toward the ceiling, slow. "I didn't want anyone else to kill me. Everyone else I lost, someone took them away. I wanted to be the one to decide. It was the only thing I've ever done that was about me and no one else."
She glances at him but it's easier to talk about this without seeing him so she looks again at the trees. "And I'm going to do it again. Once I'm done here, once Godric dies. Or if he..." Never comes back at all. "But if I graduate right, then I won't end up back here again. So I'm just going to have as much fun as I can, love as many people as I can, and when my time comes I'll be done."
He mulls her words, putting meaning in what she's given, discarding the details left unsaid. He doesn't need them, really. There's no judgement or pity about her previous choices; Sweeney believes everyone should be able to checkout on their own terms.
That said, he doesn't want to be dead. There has been a lot of shit and pain and punishment in his existence, but he can't remember a time where he wanted to actually die. Which upon reflection, is how he ended up in some of his worst situations, so maybe she has a point.
Sweeney doesn't have any sort of response to the mention of Godric's name. He just takes a slow drag.
She doesn't answer right away. Silence is such an atypical thing for her, especially with the sunny persona she so easily adopts--it's not false, just amplified. Quiet is not a common thing for her in any mood.
"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. How do you help someone if you're just treading water?"
The quiet doesn't bother Sweeney at all. He's never been one for small talk, when it comes down to it. One should define their want, balance the cost, follow the steps. It means he doesn't shy away from uncomfortable questions (when they're not pointed in his direction), but he also isn't going to prod too hard if she's not prepared to answer. Just letting her think is enough.
He does understanding trying to help someone when he's not in a place to be able to do so. It sucks balls.
"Might not be the best ta answer that one," he admits to a tip of his head. "But I do know plenty of folk don't know what the fuck they're doin'."
He shrugs and taps his ash. "Hard ta start pushin' up others if yer not standin' on anythin'." It's a simple statement, in no way unkind. "Hard ta give them things if ya don't know what you have."
Sweeney takes a drag, following the thought before continuing it out loud. All of this is a little too relatable.
"Depends on what they need, I s'ppose. Seems ya helped me well 'nough." At least from her own assessment. As soon as he starts down the path of the conversation, he's very glad he took the opportunity to shift. He can already feel the echo of her nails digging into his hips.
"Not that I'm sayin' ya can fuck someone inta graduatin'."
His words are soothing, validating in a way no one else's manage to be. People are quick to reassure her, but they do it by arguing against what she says she's feeling, as if everything she says is wrong. But for all that she loves connecting with people, she's never found it easy to talk about herself.
She slides a look at him that says quite plainly she's thinking of the way he'd rocked into her balls-deep with that wild desperation, the way his kiss had been so hard it had sparked something equally wild in her.
"I'd be willing to try," she drawls, tongue just touching her upper lip.
A chuckle catches him and he coughs it out with a roll his eyes, a dimple deep in each cheek.
"Oh, of that I have no doubt." It's cheeky but light. He's not trying to urge her that way by any means. At this point, he's confident something like that will not push him in the most positive of directions. That's not to say part of him doesn't want to yank her up and toss her down in the grass, losing himself deep in the welcoming warmth of her and scent of wildflowers.
A part that's growing more pressing even as he's trying to banish the thought away. Sweeney swallows and takes the last puff of his cigarette before flicking the embers off away from them. He grips the neck of the bottle, but doesn't lift it.
It doesn't take him long to mull the question; it's a principle he understands, but isn't sure it actually matters all that much. The answer comes as he pulls a fresh cigarette.
"I ain't a warden." He shrugs and flicks open his lighter. "So I don't give a fuck." Light, drag, snap shut. An intuitive and well-practiced flow that leaves him renewed in his contentment.
"I just don't like the idea of being treated like I can't make up my own mind," letting the grass run between her fingers. "This place isn't the worst place I've been. But I get treated like an idiot enough without some warden telling me what to do with my body."
"Fuck that shit." What's the fucking point of being a warden if you don't get to make some of your own rules? Especially if it isn't your superior making the ones of issue.
"Admiral ain't made a rule about it, has he?" The smoke slips from his lips as he holds his inhale.
"Nah," she shakes her head and takes a long swig of liquor. "My ex-boyfriend was a warden. We moved in together. People might've bitched about it behind our backs but we didn't get cursed with any Admiral magic shit."
He finally releases his breath and rubs his other hand briskly over the crest of his hair. "If it ain't breakin' a rule with a capital R, why should it matter?"
Sweeney glances back to her, his gaze dipping in brief assessment. "'sides, why do you give a fuck what other people think?" She's always carried herself as a wild card, and those don't tend to give much mind to what else is in the deck.
"Only if they can fuck up my life," she clarifies. "And if I can get around them even trying? I'll fuck 'em over right back on my way out." She's quick to forgive but it doesn't mean there's no savage side to her.
Her gaze lingers on him, and a coy smirk tugs at one corner of her mouth. Oh but she likes the effect she's having on him. "But speaking of capital-R rules... is it breaking one if, instead of fucking, I just suck you off sometimes? Maybe while you're trying to get tired enough to sleep. Maybe to wake you up while you smoke your first cigarette of the day."
He's onboard until she makes that sharp turn, and his attention darts to her with an arched eyebrow. Sweeney's never actually considered their arrangement a rule, much less one with a capital R. He completely understands the risk he has of failing, perhaps not so occasionally, and as such wouldn't bind himself to that level of commitment to it.
He swallows, watching her for a moment while he takes takes a casual drag. His gaze doesn't leave her.
"Do ya think that's a good idea?" There's no right answer, he just wants to know her opinion.
"For me? Yeah." And she means it. "I'm following your lead here, though. We could have some fun. Have a break from all..." A glance up, around. The Barge. Their minds. "This."
"It would be for me," she chuckles. "When you fucked me, I cut my own lip trying to keep myself quiet," because she'd heard Archer hesitate at the door. "And I'm not a real noisy person. So me going down on you some quiet morning, then taking all my pent up wanting for you to the shower where I can think of all the things you could have done to me... I don't know, that just sounds like a real good time to me. How often do you get head from a girl who wants you enough she'd jump on you right now if you said 'go'?"
A shrug, another sly smile. "But like I said, it's up to what you're comfortable with. If it comes down to just me, alone and thinking about you sometimes, it's worked okay so far."
Sweeney's lips tighten along with his trousers. He sucks his tongue roughly as his focus is forced from her face, but it does very little to distract him from her words. He swallows and takes a drag.
Realistically, when a woman's mouth's on him, it doesn't stay there. The idea of just being passive the whole time is so strange. He does know one thing.
Another drag as he takes the time to find the words for it.
"I think...fuckin' yer throat's just gonna drive me ta have ta have the rest of you." There are worse thing to have to admit. His lashes flutter, and he looks to his cigarette before he takes another drag. "An' if it comes ta havin' you in the shower, I rather ya have the cold tile on yer back." He takes a slow breath to steady his resolve.
"I won't be able ta stop if I have you so often." It's a simple truth, but also implies his answer.
"I like that you want me like I want you," she says, meaning in the same way if not the same scale. She has no idea how that measures when put alongside each other, but looking him over slowly she can guess. "But I can respect that."
Even if, as she said, she'll carry the image of him with her when she's alone and wishing she wasn't.
Her acceptance of his answer allows him some ease, though not relief. Sweeney swallows to manage his resolve before glancing her way.
"It's ne'er that I don't want ya. Easy ta do when we're together. 'nough that I sought ya when I'd lost myself." Ok, so that is both true and slightly misleading. He had gone looking for her, though it had been for a fight. He may have had anyone willing in his moment of weakness. Still, he doesn't regret that it was her.
"Now." It's a statement of the somewhat obvious, and he tries to deliver it as casually as possible, accompanied by a drag.
"I would say you make me something I’m not, but in truth, you make me too much of what I am."
Sweeney's head falls to one side as he studies his cigarette and taps his ash. He searches for the words, and when he finds them, they're given easily enough.
"Wantin' ta get lost in burnin' whiskey and sweet warmth of you wrapped around me. Cravin' too many moments of selfish bliss and sweat and welted skin."
"I definitely get that way with you." There's no surprise there, she knows. Even in lapses in conversation, her attention tends to drift back to him, curious and with no small amount of desire.
"But...I wouldn't say that's all you are with me? It doesn't seem like it from where I'm at."
"Aye," he agrees with small nod and a drag. Sweeney holds it in his asking.
"An' how much of that would there be if e'ery time I wanted ya, I shoved ya up against a wall or pulled ya down on me or bent ta or the bar so I could drink my whiskey off yer sweet skin?"
He knows damn well, if it were up to him. He understands why he put the guidline in place.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2021-09-30 04:09 am (UTC)His lips tighten at the thought of the things he'd have done different, and then his eyes darken as he remembers that there's nothing left to do. He struggles to yank himself back out of it before he spirals again.
"Same reason?"
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 01:54 pm (UTC)She glances at him but it's easier to talk about this without seeing him so she looks again at the trees. "And I'm going to do it again. Once I'm done here, once Godric dies. Or if he..." Never comes back at all. "But if I graduate right, then I won't end up back here again. So I'm just going to have as much fun as I can, love as many people as I can, and when my time comes I'll be done."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 07:08 pm (UTC)That said, he doesn't want to be dead. There has been a lot of shit and pain and punishment in his existence, but he can't remember a time where he wanted to actually die. Which upon reflection, is how he ended up in some of his worst situations, so maybe she has a point.
Sweeney doesn't have any sort of response to the mention of Godric's name. He just takes a slow drag.
"No more Warden shift fer you then?"
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 07:11 pm (UTC)"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. How do you help someone if you're just treading water?"
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 07:44 pm (UTC)He does understanding trying to help someone when he's not in a place to be able to do so. It sucks balls.
"Might not be the best ta answer that one," he admits to a tip of his head. "But I do know plenty of folk don't know what the fuck they're doin'."
He shrugs and taps his ash. "Hard ta start pushin' up others if yer not standin' on anythin'." It's a simple statement, in no way unkind. "Hard ta give them things if ya don't know what you have."
Sweeney takes a drag, following the thought before continuing it out loud. All of this is a little too relatable.
"Depends on what they need, I s'ppose. Seems ya helped me well 'nough." At least from her own assessment. As soon as he starts down the path of the conversation, he's very glad he took the opportunity to shift. He can already feel the echo of her nails digging into his hips.
"Not that I'm sayin' ya can fuck someone inta graduatin'."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 07:52 pm (UTC)She slides a look at him that says quite plainly she's thinking of the way he'd rocked into her balls-deep with that wild desperation, the way his kiss had been so hard it had sparked something equally wild in her.
"I'd be willing to try," she drawls, tongue just touching her upper lip.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:10 pm (UTC)"Oh, of that I have no doubt." It's cheeky but light. He's not trying to urge her that way by any means. At this point, he's confident something like that will not push him in the most positive of directions. That's not to say part of him doesn't want to yank her up and toss her down in the grass, losing himself deep in the welcoming warmth of her and scent of wildflowers.
A part that's growing more pressing even as he's trying to banish the thought away. Sweeney swallows and takes the last puff of his cigarette before flicking the embers off away from them. He grips the neck of the bottle, but doesn't lift it.
"Yer inmate best keep hydrated."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:13 pm (UTC)She sure as hell doesn't.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:18 pm (UTC)"I ain't a warden." He shrugs and flicks open his lighter. "So I don't give a fuck." Light, drag, snap shut. An intuitive and well-practiced flow that leaves him renewed in his contentment.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:24 pm (UTC)"Admiral ain't made a rule about it, has he?" The smoke slips from his lips as he holds his inhale.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:38 pm (UTC)He finally releases his breath and rubs his other hand briskly over the crest of his hair. "If it ain't breakin' a rule with a capital R, why should it matter?"
Sweeney glances back to her, his gaze dipping in brief assessment. "'sides, why do you give a fuck what other people think?" She's always carried herself as a wild card, and those don't tend to give much mind to what else is in the deck.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:40 pm (UTC)Her gaze lingers on him, and a coy smirk tugs at one corner of her mouth. Oh but she likes the effect she's having on him. "But speaking of capital-R rules... is it breaking one if, instead of fucking, I just suck you off sometimes? Maybe while you're trying to get tired enough to sleep. Maybe to wake you up while you smoke your first cigarette of the day."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:55 pm (UTC)He swallows, watching her for a moment while he takes takes a casual drag. His gaze doesn't leave her.
"Do ya think that's a good idea?" There's no right answer, he just wants to know her opinion.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 08:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 09:01 pm (UTC)"You think it's different 'nough from me just fuckin' ya?" Again, honest curiosity.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 09:21 pm (UTC)A shrug, another sly smile. "But like I said, it's up to what you're comfortable with. If it comes down to just me, alone and thinking about you sometimes, it's worked okay so far."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 10:17 pm (UTC)Sweeney's lips tighten along with his trousers. He sucks his tongue roughly as his focus is forced from her face, but it does very little to distract him from her words. He swallows and takes a drag.
Realistically, when a woman's mouth's on him, it doesn't stay there. The idea of just being passive the whole time is so strange. He does know one thing.
Another drag as he takes the time to find the words for it.
"I think...fuckin' yer throat's just gonna drive me ta have ta have the rest of you." There are worse thing to have to admit. His lashes flutter, and he looks to his cigarette before he takes another drag. "An' if it comes ta havin' you in the shower, I rather ya have the cold tile on yer back." He takes a slow breath to steady his resolve.
"I won't be able ta stop if I have you so often." It's a simple truth, but also implies his answer.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 11:05 pm (UTC)Even if, as she said, she'll carry the image of him with her when she's alone and wishing she wasn't.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 11:25 pm (UTC)"It's ne'er that I don't want ya. Easy ta do when we're together. 'nough that I sought ya when I'd lost myself." Ok, so that is both true and slightly misleading. He had gone looking for her, though it had been for a fight. He may have had anyone willing in his moment of weakness. Still, he doesn't regret that it was her.
"Now." It's a statement of the somewhat obvious, and he tries to deliver it as casually as possible, accompanied by a drag.
"I would say you make me something I’m not, but in truth, you make me too much of what I am."
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 11:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 11:48 pm (UTC)"Wantin' ta get lost in burnin' whiskey and sweet warmth of you wrapped around me. Cravin' too many moments of selfish bliss and sweat and welted skin."
Like wanting to not be the rest of what I am.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-30 11:53 pm (UTC)"But...I wouldn't say that's all you are with me? It doesn't seem like it from where I'm at."
no subject
Date: 2021-10-01 12:10 am (UTC)"An' how much of that would there be if e'ery time I wanted ya, I shoved ya up against a wall or pulled ya down on me or bent ta or the bar so I could drink my whiskey off yer sweet skin?"
He knows damn well, if it were up to him. He understands why he put the guidline in place.
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