His lips press a little, regretting the answer he has to give. The head shake is miniscule.
"Nah. Just...is." Sweeney takes a slow breath while his gaze drifts towards the center of the room. "Like always."
He has to acknowledge how good he's been for so long. Just free in the fullest sense of the word. Sweeney should have know that wasn't going to be an 'always' thing. He tries to assure himself that he has enough of himself enough of the time for it to be ok.
"I'm doin' what I can." He tries to focus on the needle in his skin, the raise of it after. The ache in its newness. Sweeney would touch it now, but his arm is around her, and that's good too.
"Hm?" The sound is barely hummed before he's continuing. Sweeney had it on his mind after all, but more the act than the word itself.
His gaze darts down, even though he can't really see it, and then returns to her eyes.
"Helpin' me come home," he answer with a faint hint of...shyness? Something like that. Something soft. He tries to push it away before anything like embarrassment sets in.
"Ya know. Like how sailors have sparrows. Birds mean yer close ta shore." His free hand gestures slightly towards her chest.
"Ain't a place," he answers easily enough, even though that still bothers him a little. "It's bein' safe. Bein' myself." Something so impossible, no matter how hard he tries.
He casts a sideways glance her way. "The rest of myselves."
Sweeney sighs and looks back to the ceiling. "Not sure which one I am. Which one I'm s'pposed ta be. Ta be me." There's touch of sadness, but it's mostly resignation.
"All of them," he confirms with a sigh. It's more to the universe than at her directly.
The kiss is a surprise, a nice one. Sweeney's hand lifts to cup the back of her head, though it's in encouragement not hunger. This isn't so bad. Having something for the times when he's not lost. He misses that in a way he can't really explain, even to himself.
He shakes his head dismissively. "Do my best ta keep outta those since losin' my Coin. Bad fer business." It's not important. He does his best to remind himself.
"Sure I'll end up with a new one at some point."
Sweeney offers a lop-sided smile at her. "Just reminded me ta not bet on things I don't wanna lose." His brow lifts knowingly. "So yer bead is plenty safe."
"I like it when you're greedy," she smirks, trying her best to hide how concerned she's becoming. She's seen him when his world tips before, she's seen different stages of it, she's been frightened by it. These days the only fear is for him.
Sweeney's hand pushes between her legs, but doesn't move up. Instead, he hooks the back of her closer thigh and yanks up roughly, flipping her onto her opposite side, pulling her back against his chest. Task completed, his hand lifts to deftly draw her hair back over her shoulder to expose the long line of her neck.
He leans forward to press his lips against her ear, even as his hand sinks back to her hip.
"Ya want it e'en if ya can't see it?"
His fingers dig, and he tugs her sharply back against him.
"I'll just have to pay attention to how it feels." She closes her eyes to emphasize not seeing him, and instinctively lifts her chin to bare her throat even though both his hands are otherwise occupied.
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"It's there a pattern to it?"
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"Nah. Just...is." Sweeney takes a slow breath while his gaze drifts towards the center of the room. "Like always."
He has to acknowledge how good he's been for so long. Just free in the fullest sense of the word. Sweeney should have know that wasn't going to be an 'always' thing. He tries to assure himself that he has enough of himself enough of the time for it to be ok.
"I'm doin' what I can." He tries to focus on the needle in his skin, the raise of it after. The ache in its newness. Sweeney would touch it now, but his arm is around her, and that's good too.
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A reminder, he'd said, and she looks down at his ribs. "Why a bird?"
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His gaze darts down, even though he can't really see it, and then returns to her eyes.
"Helpin' me come home," he answer with a faint hint of...shyness? Something like that. Something soft. He tries to push it away before anything like embarrassment sets in.
"Ya know. Like how sailors have sparrows. Birds mean yer close ta shore." His free hand gestures slightly towards her chest.
"Guessin' it may be somethin' like yer compass."
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"What stops you from being yourself?"
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Sweeney sighs and looks back to the ceiling. "Not sure which one I am. Which one I'm s'pposed ta be. Ta be me." There's touch of sadness, but it's mostly resignation.
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Or maybe they're all him, and all equally real. She's never been sure about Gerard, if he's a reflection of some long hidden part of Sweeney.
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"I've been them all. They're all me." All the time.
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"There's no decidin'." The explanation is flat. "Just...am." And even that's not guaranteed.
"Likely ta be a time I become--fuck, I dunno. Somethin' else." Not like a Breach or a Flood. Not a memory. Something new.
It's daunting, to say the least.
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She leans down again, kisses him. At least she can offer a present moment,a tangible one.
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The kiss is a surprise, a nice one. Sweeney's hand lifts to cup the back of her head, though it's in encouragement not hunger. This isn't so bad. Having something for the times when he's not lost. He misses that in a way he can't really explain, even to himself.
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She lifts her head to kiss his hand and then hums curiously. "Did you sell your ring?"
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Her question catches him off-guard, and his tongue takes one quick swipe over the roof of his mouth.
"Lost it in a bet." It weighs heavy on him, but there's nothing to do about it now. Perhaps it's still for the best. Fuck if he knows.
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"Sure I'll end up with a new one at some point."
Sweeney offers a lop-sided smile at her. "Just reminded me ta not bet on things I don't wanna lose." His brow lifts knowingly. "So yer bead is plenty safe."
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"Well," deciding to let it go for now. "If the bead gets lost I'll just have to go wander all over the world again to get you a new one."
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"Now why would I wanna replacement, when I can just have two instead?" He grins playfully, willing himself to remain present.
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"Good. 'Cause ya have a way of makin' me wanna be." Sweeney nips her lip and slides his far hand from the inside her knee to midthigh.
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He leans forward to press his lips against her ear, even as his hand sinks back to her hip.
"Ya want it e'en if ya can't see it?"
His fingers dig, and he tugs her sharply back against him.
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