Not in my house, mister. We're going to surprise Godric. Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, it's a classic movie and he'd never watch it by himself.
House. It's a 1970s Japanese horror film—really good, it gets proper weird at points and has some remarkably unique effects. It's going to be either that or something recent—I think I'm further along in the timeline than Godric.
And this Romy and Michelle or whatever it is can't be a classic as I've never heard of it.
You know you can keep food in the house for yourself, right? He doesn't eat, it's not like he's allergic. But no, I'm not busy and yes, I'll bring the popcorn.
Uh, if I kept food in the house that he doesn't eat, I would have to make it, and these hands don't do work. [Hands up, showing off her fresh manicure] What kind of wolf queen do you think I am? Jeez.
Mmm, the things I've gotten up to with extremely sexy men would make your innocent twenty-five year old mind have to stop and pause to try and figure out how everything works.
And considering that you haven't proven that your worth it to me, Wolf Child can microwave her own damn popcorn.
Literally dirtiest is probably the time that a banshee turned the house I was staying at into a swamp. But metaphorically dirtiest...mmm, the 1960s. I was head of a band at that time and we'd just come back from tour. It was me, my bandmates, some groupies, and a few local girls one of the guys knew. We were holed up in this absolute shithole of an apartment but, most importantly, we were holed up in this shithole of an apartment with my drug dealer. We spent the next few days indulging in every terrible stereotype of musicians, especially those in the 1960s. I don't exactly remember what I took or who I fucked, but I can safely say it was divine.
Runner up is probably 2007, in a club bathroom, with both of us off our tits on cocaine.
Mmm, the truly shocking parts of my depravity are less sex, drugs, and rock and roll and more along the lines of wondering just how the devil someone like me is a warden to begin with. Those parts are bathed in blood.
[ One of the many problems with Dorian is that there's this deep, unabating pit of self-loathing in his very core. He knows he's awful. He knows the only reason he's not an inmate is because inmates need to be dead. He knows that Godric, sweet beautiful Godric, the man that reminds him so much of his beloved Toby, should be with someone better.
So he takes all the awful little bits of his past, the parts he tries to shut up, and he just lets one of them out. ]
The sort of man who would string along a girl and then abandon her in her hour of need. Who would happily watch a man be devoured by a monster out of simple, petty revenge. Who snapped his little sister's neck.
[Godric spent a thousand years--literally--doing heinous things. The man he is now is worthy of every second chance he's given. She's willing to give Dorian the benefit of the doubt.
At the same time, she isn't keen on getting close to unrepentant monsters.]
What's the last shitty thing you've done and when was it?
[Okay well this had better have one hell of a good explanation.
She gets the sense he's trying to fail the 'bff test', which makes her more determined to thwart him. But 'I let Satan run wild' sure is a way to fail the quiz.]
Because I was a fool who didn't think things through. Because even though I've had over a hundred and fifty years of experience, I was too cocksure and too self-absorbed to notice the very prominent warning signs in front of me.
I get the feeling you know if I told him what a big bad boy you are he'd listen to me. Just like I'd listen to him. But the funny thing is, you're not dangerous. I'm twenty-six but I know the real threats when I see 'em.
I dunno why you're posturing here but I see you and you're a lost little lamb, D.
[ There's a pause that's just a little too long before Dorian continues, with absolute seriousness in his voice. ]
I've lost every person I've ever loved. When I inevitably lose Godric, when both of us lose him, I want you to know that you could have stopped it from happening.
I'll see you at movie night, Annie.
[ because one very weird and charged conversation doesn't change the fact that they've got some Japanese horror to watch. ]
I'm not the one making your choices for you. You want to not hurt him? You tell him you're done. It's not my job to protect you from your own shitty choices. He likes you, and I trust him, so I'm gonna do my best to like you, too. He's not wrong about people.
If you hurt him on purpose, though? I'll duct tape you to a chair and make you listen to Miley Cyrus on repeat while I skin you with my teeth. I can't kill you? Fucking good, D. Just gives me more to work with. I can eat a human in four minutes flat, bet I could chew you apart six or seven times before I got full. [The warmest smile] Don't forget the popcorn.
[ There's a brief, worrying moment where Dorian looks a little turned on at the idea of all that pain. Thankfully for everybody's sensibilities, he very quickly shoves that horny on main expression beneath a practiced smirk.
He gives Annie a nod of acknowledgement before clicking off the camera.
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Why, what movie would you pick?
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And this Romy and Michelle or whatever it is can't be a classic as I've never heard of it.
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You're not busy tonight, right? Because the guest brings the popcorn. I don't keep any in the house because, y'know, vampire.
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You've never been pampered by a group of extremely sexy men? I know you have. Come on. Come clean.
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And considering that you haven't proven that your worth it to me, Wolf Child can microwave her own damn popcorn.
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Runner up is probably 2007, in a club bathroom, with both of us off our tits on cocaine.
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So he takes all the awful little bits of his past, the parts he tries to shut up, and he just lets one of them out. ]
The sort of man who would string along a girl and then abandon her in her hour of need. Who would happily watch a man be devoured by a monster out of simple, petty revenge. Who snapped his little sister's neck.
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At the same time, she isn't keen on getting close to unrepentant monsters.]
What's the last shitty thing you've done and when was it?
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[ through a series of events that wasn't TECHNICALLY Dorian's fault but hoo boy does he blame himself for it anyway! ]
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She gets the sense he's trying to fail the 'bff test', which makes her more determined to thwart him. But 'I let Satan run wild' sure is a way to fail the quiz.]
Why?
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Why're you telling me this? Because you think I'll go tell Godric to stop fucking you?
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[ Though he doesn't make the air quotes around Wolf Queen, they are VERY audible in his voice. ]
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I dunno why you're posturing here but I see you and you're a lost little lamb, D.
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I've lost every person I've ever loved. When I inevitably lose Godric, when both of us lose him, I want you to know that you could have stopped it from happening.
I'll see you at movie night, Annie.
[ because one very weird and charged conversation doesn't change the fact that they've got some Japanese horror to watch. ]
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If you hurt him on purpose, though? I'll duct tape you to a chair and make you listen to Miley Cyrus on repeat while I skin you with my teeth. I can't kill you? Fucking good, D. Just gives me more to work with. I can eat a human in four minutes flat, bet I could chew you apart six or seven times before I got full. [The warmest smile] Don't forget the popcorn.
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He gives Annie a nod of acknowledgement before clicking off the camera.
Christ, he can't wait for movie night. ]