She's decided she likes it when he blushes. "What were you using them to say to me?" She asks, her arm through his, her hand under his, smiling up at him.
"Uh..." He straightens with a bit of additional awkwardness. His eyes dart over the floor.
"Just that--um...I was thinking of you, and wishing you to feel better. That I wanted to apologize. And that I didn't think I...well, that I didn't want to take advantage of you." He swallows. "Like that."
"I don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of," she promises softly. "Especially not by you. I just wish there was a way to talk to you that wasn't, um, in the middle of me being with Sweeney."
It is, after all, quite a big shift in mood to go from wanting to be fucked blind, to having a gentle conversation.
"I'm not terribly fond of him being in the middle of me either." Not sex, obviously. Just the waking up and not knowing what he'd done. Who he might have hurt.
"But I don't know how to control when I can have my body back."
She would of course argue that she tries frequently to not have sex with Sweeney, but once she's close enough to touch him all those reasons to abstain just vanish. She feels regret only that he didn't get a chance to leave her with a fresh set of bruises on her hips, with gravel and soil ground into her back.
These thoughts are not helpful. "He doesn't know either. How often are you even able to be up? Like, when's the last time you were you? When you gave me my flowers?"
"Well- let me think." She walks slowly with him along the path. "Okay. So, we gotta figure out a timeline here. Tell me every time you remember being you since the flood."
"Maybe start writing something down whenever you're awake." It seems like the only way this could work. She's already had a plan to meet with Sweeney nightly, but this way Sweeney can see evidence as well.
"I...I don't want to go away. Back to...wherever the in between is," he whispers, the forced confessing cutting at his heart. "I don't know if I can keep it from happening."
She doesn't want that for him, either. For either of them.
"Don't think of it as being away," she says, looking up at him. "Think of it as...sleep. If you're here to help me it means helping him, too, right? And he has to be out, and doing things, to learn anything. You're not gone. You're just...waiting."
Gerard tries to accept her words, but there's a lot of difficulty in it. It doesn't feel like sleeping. It feels dark and unnatural. And though it makes him feel overwhelming guilt, he isn't sure he wants to help this man.
He's quiet for a few seconds. "Do...do you think he is meant to be my Inmate?" The idea is very uncomfortable, but there is some logic in it.
"I don't know how any of this works," she confesses, and wishes so badly she did. "I think you could help. I just don't know how yet."
She's trying not to think of what the Admiral has done to Sweeney with this last flood, or what awful things it might mean for Gerard. She can't stomach the idea of him simply not existing anymore when he so clearly does now.
"I think you can help," she repeats. That much is true. "If we can figure out a way to keep you out here, maybe you could talk to some of his other friends, too."
"Get to know them." That seems like the only possible first step: to get them to understand that the flood has simply never ended for Sweeney. "Maybe they'll have ideas, I'm not real...good at things. Like this." Intellectual problems, existential issues. Her solution to everything falls back to the same core idea: get to know the person, then ignore the problem.
"People here are really smart. Scary smart, some of them. I'm afraid I just make things worse for you." But she holds onto him a little tighter. She wants to be here, she wants him to assure her that she isn't simply ruining his life and Sweeney's while she's at it.
"Alright." There's sense in that. And if they're his friends, surely they'll want to help him. This is a strong plan, and he'd grateful she's helping him.
"Um..." He licks his lip subconsciously. "Are you willing to make introductions?"
"I...yeah. But," how to say this without giving the wrong impression? "I don't know who his other friends are. Because we always hang out alone, I mean." Very alone, as poor Gerard has seen.
But Sweeney smells of other people sometimes so it's not like he's alone whenever she's not around. "I'll ask him."
Her admission leaves him a bit crestfallen. A false start is not encouraging.
"Is...well, is there anywhere you know they might be? Somewhere they might at least recognize--" Me.
Gerard's mind starts to slip into the darkness of knowing how wrong he looks. Is. It's very upsetting. Although he tries to buck up, he's not very successful.
"We don't really talk about our other friends. He had," oh shit this is complicated. "He had a really bad experience with my best friend. Godric attacked him. So now we just kind of keep our business with each other."
Godric would like Gerard, she thinks with a pang of regret. Gerard is more the sort of man he'd like Annie spending time with.
"Oh." It almost sounds like he's been chastised. He's not surprised that there was a fight; the man seems excessively unpleasant, but it must leave complications for Annie. His heart twinges for her. She doesn't need that on top of the difficulties in living here. Doubly as an inmate. Gerard wishes he could force this man to stay away from her so she can protect herself and the people around her.
His mind swims as he debates how to even start trying to find people on a ship this big, especially because his time is limited.
"I should probably go then," he reasons, taking her hand softly in his that he might start to loosen it from his elbow while not abandoning it.
"Okay." It's different letting Gerard go than Sweeney, there isn't that wild spark of lust urging her to hang onto him. But it still isn't easy. She doesn't want him to be afraid, doesn't want him to be trapped in the dark. "And when you wake up again, you can come find me, okay?"
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"They're not violets," Gerard confirms with confidence. "I...I think it's Rock Cress." He smiles back at her with a hint of playful embarrassment.
"I admit, it's not one I've really worked with."
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"It's...well, there's a symbolism to it. You decide what you want to say, and then you let the flowers speak for you." He starts to blush.
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"Just that--um...I was thinking of you, and wishing you to feel better. That I wanted to apologize. And that I didn't think I...well, that I didn't want to take advantage of you." He swallows. "Like that."
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It is, after all, quite a big shift in mood to go from wanting to be fucked blind, to having a gentle conversation.
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Gerard swallows back the thought.
"I'm not terribly fond of him being in the middle of me either." Not sex, obviously. Just the waking up and not knowing what he'd done. Who he might have hurt.
"But I don't know how to control when I can have my body back."
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These thoughts are not helpful. "He doesn't know either. How often are you even able to be up? Like, when's the last time you were you? When you gave me my flowers?"
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He doesn't want to be dismissive. Besides, there are so many times he can't focus due to the remembering of having her on him.
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He slows, and a thought tightens his lips.
"I...I don't want to go away. Back to...wherever the in between is," he whispers, the forced confessing cutting at his heart. "I don't know if I can keep it from happening."
I'm afraid.
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"Don't think of it as being away," she says, looking up at him. "Think of it as...sleep. If you're here to help me it means helping him, too, right? And he has to be out, and doing things, to learn anything. You're not gone. You're just...waiting."
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He's quiet for a few seconds. "Do...do you think he is meant to be my Inmate?" The idea is very uncomfortable, but there is some logic in it.
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She's trying not to think of what the Admiral has done to Sweeney with this last flood, or what awful things it might mean for Gerard. She can't stomach the idea of him simply not existing anymore when he so clearly does now.
"I think you can help," she repeats. That much is true. "If we can figure out a way to keep you out here, maybe you could talk to some of his other friends, too."
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"What should I talk to them about?" How is he even meant to start something so...unorthodox? Especially when he's so new here.
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"People here are really smart. Scary smart, some of them. I'm afraid I just make things worse for you." But she holds onto him a little tighter. She wants to be here, she wants him to assure her that she isn't simply ruining his life and Sweeney's while she's at it.
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"Um..." He licks his lip subconsciously. "Are you willing to make introductions?"
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But Sweeney smells of other people sometimes so it's not like he's alone whenever she's not around. "I'll ask him."
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"Is...well, is there anywhere you know they might be? Somewhere they might at least recognize--" Me.
Gerard's mind starts to slip into the darkness of knowing how wrong he looks. Is. It's very upsetting. Although he tries to buck up, he's not very successful.
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Godric would like Gerard, she thinks with a pang of regret. Gerard is more the sort of man he'd like Annie spending time with.
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His mind swims as he debates how to even start trying to find people on a ship this big, especially because his time is limited.
"I should probably go then," he reasons, taking her hand softly in his that he might start to loosen it from his elbow while not abandoning it.
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