"If we end up eating cotton candy buffalo I'm gonna be so mad."
She leans down to kiss the corner of his mouth and then sets back to trying to bring back those goosebumps. Even after she braids in the bead she changes from the comb to her fingers, soothing and probing as his scalp as she lets his hair run between her fingers.
He smiles lazily at her kiss. The more she fidgets with his hair, the more sensitive he becomes, and she manages to earn a twitch or two. His throat rattles in pleasured purrs and murmurs. Sweeney's mind starts to wander. It's not ideal.
Images start to overlap. There are faint whiffs of music, like someone's listening down the hall, partial melodies and no words. His brow furrows slightly. The sensation in his scalp is no less pleasurable, it just carries with it some heavy baggage.
She's unaware at first. She's watching the water shadows on the ceiling, feeling the gentle rock of the boat, enjoying the softness of his hair. But she does look down and she does see his expression.
The question yanks him back, but it's an sudden, unpleasant trip. He abruptly catches her by the wrist; it's so unexpected that his eyes haven't fully managed to open by the time he has. The grip is tight but not cruel. More panic than aggression.
When he does manage to get his eyes open, he has to blink several times to get focus. He's confused by the ceiling and it reads in his brow, but when he looks to her hand and he follows it back to her face, the concern ebbs.
"Right." The word is barely breath, clearly more for himself than it is for her.
He swallows and gives a tight shake of his head to assuage her concern.
"Just--been gettin' worse. Sometimes." He shakes his head again and places her hand against the center of his chest.
His lips press a little, regretting the answer he has to give. The head shake is miniscule.
"Nah. Just...is." Sweeney takes a slow breath while his gaze drifts towards the center of the room. "Like always."
He has to acknowledge how good he's been for so long. Just free in the fullest sense of the word. Sweeney should have know that wasn't going to be an 'always' thing. He tries to assure himself that he has enough of himself enough of the time for it to be ok.
"I'm doin' what I can." He tries to focus on the needle in his skin, the raise of it after. The ache in its newness. Sweeney would touch it now, but his arm is around her, and that's good too.
"Hm?" The sound is barely hummed before he's continuing. Sweeney had it on his mind after all, but more the act than the word itself.
His gaze darts down, even though he can't really see it, and then returns to her eyes.
"Helpin' me come home," he answer with a faint hint of...shyness? Something like that. Something soft. He tries to push it away before anything like embarrassment sets in.
"Ya know. Like how sailors have sparrows. Birds mean yer close ta shore." His free hand gestures slightly towards her chest.
"Ain't a place," he answers easily enough, even though that still bothers him a little. "It's bein' safe. Bein' myself." Something so impossible, no matter how hard he tries.
He casts a sideways glance her way. "The rest of myselves."
Sweeney sighs and looks back to the ceiling. "Not sure which one I am. Which one I'm s'pposed ta be. Ta be me." There's touch of sadness, but it's mostly resignation.
"All of them," he confirms with a sigh. It's more to the universe than at her directly.
The kiss is a surprise, a nice one. Sweeney's hand lifts to cup the back of her head, though it's in encouragement not hunger. This isn't so bad. Having something for the times when he's not lost. He misses that in a way he can't really explain, even to himself.
He shakes his head dismissively. "Do my best ta keep outta those since losin' my Coin. Bad fer business." It's not important. He does his best to remind himself.
"Sure I'll end up with a new one at some point."
Sweeney offers a lop-sided smile at her. "Just reminded me ta not bet on things I don't wanna lose." His brow lifts knowingly. "So yer bead is plenty safe."
"I like it when you're greedy," she smirks, trying her best to hide how concerned she's becoming. She's seen him when his world tips before, she's seen different stages of it, she's been frightened by it. These days the only fear is for him.
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She leans down to kiss the corner of his mouth and then sets back to trying to bring back those goosebumps. Even after she braids in the bead she changes from the comb to her fingers, soothing and probing as his scalp as she lets his hair run between her fingers.
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Images start to overlap. There are faint whiffs of music, like someone's listening down the hall, partial melodies and no words. His brow furrows slightly. The sensation in his scalp is no less pleasurable, it just carries with it some heavy baggage.
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"You okay?"
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When he does manage to get his eyes open, he has to blink several times to get focus. He's confused by the ceiling and it reads in his brow, but when he looks to her hand and he follows it back to her face, the concern ebbs.
"Right." The word is barely breath, clearly more for himself than it is for her.
He swallows and gives a tight shake of his head to assuage her concern.
"Just--been gettin' worse. Sometimes." He shakes his head again and places her hand against the center of his chest.
"I'm here. With you."
He needs to be. What if he gets lost again?
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"It's there a pattern to it?"
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"Nah. Just...is." Sweeney takes a slow breath while his gaze drifts towards the center of the room. "Like always."
He has to acknowledge how good he's been for so long. Just free in the fullest sense of the word. Sweeney should have know that wasn't going to be an 'always' thing. He tries to assure himself that he has enough of himself enough of the time for it to be ok.
"I'm doin' what I can." He tries to focus on the needle in his skin, the raise of it after. The ache in its newness. Sweeney would touch it now, but his arm is around her, and that's good too.
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A reminder, he'd said, and she looks down at his ribs. "Why a bird?"
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His gaze darts down, even though he can't really see it, and then returns to her eyes.
"Helpin' me come home," he answer with a faint hint of...shyness? Something like that. Something soft. He tries to push it away before anything like embarrassment sets in.
"Ya know. Like how sailors have sparrows. Birds mean yer close ta shore." His free hand gestures slightly towards her chest.
"Guessin' it may be somethin' like yer compass."
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"What stops you from being yourself?"
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Sweeney sighs and looks back to the ceiling. "Not sure which one I am. Which one I'm s'pposed ta be. Ta be me." There's touch of sadness, but it's mostly resignation.
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Or maybe they're all him, and all equally real. She's never been sure about Gerard, if he's a reflection of some long hidden part of Sweeney.
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"I've been them all. They're all me." All the time.
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"There's no decidin'." The explanation is flat. "Just...am." And even that's not guaranteed.
"Likely ta be a time I become--fuck, I dunno. Somethin' else." Not like a Breach or a Flood. Not a memory. Something new.
It's daunting, to say the least.
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She leans down again, kisses him. At least she can offer a present moment,a tangible one.
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The kiss is a surprise, a nice one. Sweeney's hand lifts to cup the back of her head, though it's in encouragement not hunger. This isn't so bad. Having something for the times when he's not lost. He misses that in a way he can't really explain, even to himself.
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She lifts her head to kiss his hand and then hums curiously. "Did you sell your ring?"
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Her question catches him off-guard, and his tongue takes one quick swipe over the roof of his mouth.
"Lost it in a bet." It weighs heavy on him, but there's nothing to do about it now. Perhaps it's still for the best. Fuck if he knows.
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"Sure I'll end up with a new one at some point."
Sweeney offers a lop-sided smile at her. "Just reminded me ta not bet on things I don't wanna lose." His brow lifts knowingly. "So yer bead is plenty safe."
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"Well," deciding to let it go for now. "If the bead gets lost I'll just have to go wander all over the world again to get you a new one."
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"Now why would I wanna replacement, when I can just have two instead?" He grins playfully, willing himself to remain present.
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