![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Some time after his conversation with Sweeney, Godric wakes early and takes his shower before calling out for Annie, hearing her moving around the cabin.
"Don't go out," he calls to her as he dries off her hair. "Stay in with me tonight?"
"Don't go out," he calls to her as he dries off her hair. "Stay in with me tonight?"
Her smile is so warm it lifts her voice. She finishes changing into pajamas. "Sure, buddy. What do you have in mind?"
Play pretend gets a laugh, hidden a bit in his chest. She melts against him in a way she so rarely relaxes, and allows herself to just feel safe. Her guilt at disappointing him is so deep it may as well be a wound, but it's soothed right now, as she accepts that he still wants her with him. He is still her pack; she is still his nest.
She's dressed in a loose t-shirt and a pair of pajamas with glow in the dark bears. She usually sleeps naked; she has not since the murder. She also usually wears revealing clothing, but since then the skimpiest thing she's worn is a men's tanktop.
Partly this is because she still has bruises healing from Sweeney. Partly it's simply less effort, makes her a little less visible.
She has also been subtly nudging people closer to Godric; she invites Connor or Archer over semi-regularly, letting them visit with Godric as much as they do her. And when they are alone, she usually just falls asleep with her head on his lap or chest.
"I've learned I still can't read very well," she says, wrinkling her nose. "At least not well enough to decode those stupid psychology books. No wonder mom never liked her therapists."
She's dressed in a loose t-shirt and a pair of pajamas with glow in the dark bears. She usually sleeps naked; she has not since the murder. She also usually wears revealing clothing, but since then the skimpiest thing she's worn is a men's tanktop.
Partly this is because she still has bruises healing from Sweeney. Partly it's simply less effort, makes her a little less visible.
She has also been subtly nudging people closer to Godric; she invites Connor or Archer over semi-regularly, letting them visit with Godric as much as they do her. And when they are alone, she usually just falls asleep with her head on his lap or chest.
"I've learned I still can't read very well," she says, wrinkling her nose. "At least not well enough to decode those stupid psychology books. No wonder mom never liked her therapists."
Edited 2021-05-15 04:31 (UTC)
He leads them to the couch, an arm around her, pulling one of the blankets to cover them both. He turns, breathing her in a moment, reassuring himself that she's still there. He knows what she's been doing, especially with Connor and Archer, and he appreciates it. The company of others has always been comforting. He spends time with Archer as much as he can. Quentin, too. Trying to establish a new normal is difficult, but not impossible. He has lived two thousand years; he knows how to adapt.
The disappointment was real for him, but it's fading. The more time that passes, the less he feels it. The more things return to normal, or some semblance of normal, the more he can focus on how to help her make this right. But his secret shame, the one that he hadn't yet even started to acknowledge, is that he's not surprised it happened. To think about that means that he needs to think about his own past -- years of either hating wolves or pitying them. He doesn't want to feel either one for Annie. He loves her.
It's difficult to reconcile, so he simply doesn't.
Besides, there are more important matters at hand.
"I don't think you'll learn what you need from those psychology books," he remarks lightly. "Perhaps you should take a break from them. What do you want to watch tonight?"
The disappointment was real for him, but it's fading. The more time that passes, the less he feels it. The more things return to normal, or some semblance of normal, the more he can focus on how to help her make this right. But his secret shame, the one that he hadn't yet even started to acknowledge, is that he's not surprised it happened. To think about that means that he needs to think about his own past -- years of either hating wolves or pitying them. He doesn't want to feel either one for Annie. He loves her.
It's difficult to reconcile, so he simply doesn't.
Besides, there are more important matters at hand.
"I don't think you'll learn what you need from those psychology books," he remarks lightly. "Perhaps you should take a break from them. What do you want to watch tonight?"
She glances up at him curiously. If she can't learn how to fix her brain from psychology, then where else is there to turn? Then again, she's deeply suspicious of psychology as a whole, and therapists specifically...so she's glad to hear perhaps her doubts aren't far off.
"Runaway Bride," she answers immediately, grinning because she's wanted to see it for a while now but has been saving it for when Archer isn't around to judge it. "We could use some Julia Roberts sparkle."
"Runaway Bride," she answers immediately, grinning because she's wanted to see it for a while now but has been saving it for when Archer isn't around to judge it. "We could use some Julia Roberts sparkle."
"A fine choice. I do like seeing her opposite Richard Gere."
He untangles himself from the blanket momentarily to get it started for them. Julia Roberts is a favorite, after all.
When he returns to her, he pulls her close. "I met the leprechaun," he says softly because he didn't actually ask his name.
He untangles himself from the blanket momentarily to get it started for them. Julia Roberts is a favorite, after all.
When he returns to her, he pulls her close. "I met the leprechaun," he says softly because he didn't actually ask his name.
Despite the sudden surge of nerves she smiles because, "I know leprechauns are real--now--but that's still gotta be the silliest thing I've heard you say."
A swallow. "He's Sweeney. He's pretty cool. We smoke together sometimes."
A swallow. "He's Sweeney. He's pretty cool. We smoke together sometimes."
A slow, deep breath. "Not a real one. More like- what's the word Archer uses? Sparring." Only with a lot more destruction in the Enclosure, a lot more bruising and a few cuts she's been glad have healed fast. "I like him, I wasn't out to hurt him. Or make him not like me."
She can feel that tension but doesn't understand it; she can be manipulative if she wants, but with Godric she never is, and had just sincerely been reaching for a term she has only learned recently from Archer. Which makes this all feel a little wrongfooted.
She's quiet a moment, gathering herself, reminding herself not to speak out of fear. Not to do anything out of fear, to be still until the weight of it doesn't crush her.
"To see if I could smell blood and not..." There is still no word for what she had felt--or not felt--as she'd murdered Quill. But softer, so much softer, "But yeah. That too."
She's quiet a moment, gathering herself, reminding herself not to speak out of fear. Not to do anything out of fear, to be still until the weight of it doesn't crush her.
"To see if I could smell blood and not..." There is still no word for what she had felt--or not felt--as she'd murdered Quill. But softer, so much softer, "But yeah. That too."
They're out of sync again and it's wrong. It's all wrong, but he doesn't ignore it this time. The last time he felt this way, he had swept it under the rug and it came back to haunt him. This time, he reaches over and takes her hand, linking their fingers. They're still a team, still a pack. He's still with her, and they'll take this apart. Figure it out.
"I don't like that you want that sort of punishment," he tells her honestly. "I may have...reacted when he told me."
Turning towards her, he meets her eyes. "What happened. When you smelled blood that time? With him?"
"I don't like that you want that sort of punishment," he tells her honestly. "I may have...reacted when he told me."
Turning towards her, he meets her eyes. "What happened. When you smelled blood that time? With him?"
She curls gratefully toward him, head on his shoulder to better hear his voice in his chest when he speaks. Sweeney wasn't meant to tell anyone, but she can't muster the energy to be angry about it. She hadn't asked him to keep it quiet, and she doesn't like hiding things from Godric anyway.
"I love you," she murmurs, because knowing he'd reacted is the same thing she would have done if their roles were reversed. He's family, full stop, and she would have no regrets at all about protecting him.
"Sweeney was having so much fun, so it wasn't at all like before. But it also wasn't like when I'd wrestle my brothers. It's just like trying to open something that's never gonna budge...I don't know how to say it better. It felt better to make him laugh and in a sick way to get hit, and it made me feel worse because I couldn't have the fun I used to."
"I love you," she murmurs, because knowing he'd reacted is the same thing she would have done if their roles were reversed. He's family, full stop, and she would have no regrets at all about protecting him.
"Sweeney was having so much fun, so it wasn't at all like before. But it also wasn't like when I'd wrestle my brothers. It's just like trying to open something that's never gonna budge...I don't know how to say it better. It felt better to make him laugh and in a sick way to get hit, and it made me feel worse because I couldn't have the fun I used to."
"Why couldn't you have fun?"
Because he knows what it is to fight to play. He used to fight like that. He fights with Archer sometimes, and it is fun, in its own way. He doesn't even mind that she fought with Sweeney, either, but the issue comes with the punishment of it. That isn't the sort of thing he wants her to learn or to do.
Because he knows what it is to fight to play. He used to fight like that. He fights with Archer sometimes, and it is fun, in its own way. He doesn't even mind that she fought with Sweeney, either, but the issue comes with the punishment of it. That isn't the sort of thing he wants her to learn or to do.
"I killed someone for no reason. I made Ezio sick with it, and he's probably killed more people than I have. Even if I thought I could just go out and have fun, everything is just so- so heavy now. Like all I can do is sleep, but I can't sleep 'cause if I do I'm avoiding making this better. But sometimes it's so hard to move, and I can't read the right books or ask the right questions and I don't know what I'm doing." She licks her lips. "So I wanted to see if he could knock that all loose for a while."
He listens, really listens, and squeezes her hands. "You have done a wrong thing, Annie, and that will sit with you for a while. But you are allowed to give yourself permission to enjoy what you did before. You must give yourself permission for it. If you allow the guilt to consume you, then you truly cannot move on or grow."
She'll listen to anyone with experience, but Godric, how he's come through all the things he's done, is who she would most like to emulate. So he has her full attention, minus any defensiveness anyone else would have got.
"But if I stop feeling guilty, what if I stop taking it seriously?"
"But if I stop feeling guilty, what if I stop taking it seriously?"
"I never said stop feeling guilty." He brings her fingers to his lips. "I feel guilt constantly. But I do not let it consume me. Well, not all the time." He smiles, because, like Annie, there are still some days where it is difficult for him to get out of bed. Where sometimes he goes to Archer's room with the excuse of wanting to visit but it's really only because he wants to hide away from the world with him.
"And you need not always feel guilt as I do, Annie. I have thousands of years of sins to atone for. I would not wish that upon you. One day it may leave you. And that's...what I hope for you."
"And you need not always feel guilt as I do, Annie. I have thousands of years of sins to atone for. I would not wish that upon you. One day it may leave you. And that's...what I hope for you."
There are deeper guilts than what she had done to Quill, things she remembers clearly. At least with Quill the worst of it is a terror that she can't control herself. With the others it's a knowledge that she's a coward who allows others to die for her.
"You're pretty good at atoning," she tells him. "You've taken all that, everything that's got you weighed down and you use it to help people get better. It's helped me." Something she wishes she could do, and would try to do, if she lived long enough. "I like seeing you have fun. I like knowing there's a way to balance everything back then with what's going on now. I just don't know how you do it, or how to do it myself. Yet."
"You're pretty good at atoning," she tells him. "You've taken all that, everything that's got you weighed down and you use it to help people get better. It's helped me." Something she wishes she could do, and would try to do, if she lived long enough. "I like seeing you have fun. I like knowing there's a way to balance everything back then with what's going on now. I just don't know how you do it, or how to do it myself. Yet."
"I don't think I know how I do it, either," he admits. "Knowing that it's wrong now. Knowing what to do next. Having a strict moral code that has alienated my entire species both at home and here seems to help."
He gives her a small, hesitant smile that's touched with sadness. "I'm glad that it helps you. Sometimes it's hard, Annie. Sometimes I drown in it. Sometimes I need help, too."
He gives her a small, hesitant smile that's touched with sadness. "I'm glad that it helps you. Sometimes it's hard, Annie. Sometimes I drown in it. Sometimes I need help, too."
"What helps for you?" She's asked this before, but it was early on in their friendship. It wasn't so long ago, but things move fast on the Barge, things are constantly changing.
"It helps to be reminded of exactly what I am reminding you. That I cannot change the past. I can punish myself until the end of time for it, but it doesn't matter. It won't bring back the lives I've taken. I can only focus on what I am doing now. Examine what I am doing now."
He brushes his fingers through her hair.
He brushes his fingers through her hair.
"I know you probably don't think so, or maybe just not all the time, but you're such a good person. I'm sorry I let you down." Closing her eyes, just feeling his fingers brushing her stress away. "I hear what you're saying."
Page 12 of 88